Dreams

had a doozy last night. I had bought a house. apparently without having it inspected or even walking through it. it was a horror. filthy, decrepit. weird flocked pink wallpaper. I walked down a loooong hall, my mom was with me, and occasionally my aunt donna was there. went around a corner and entered the master bedroom. slider on the left led out to an enclosed overgrown very small yard. there was a scared puppy in it, a Rottie. then I saw the mom. they were both very hungry. there was a kitchen attached to the master, with brown appliances. there was a huge roast in a pan on top of the stove. everything was grimy, a little greasy. this is the point at which I began to feel anxious, like I had made a bad decision. like I had jumped into something without doing due diligence. (not difficult to figure out it’s an anxiety dream).

went back down the hallway to one of the bedrooms. there was an old lady living in it. I knew she was there, somehow. the room was empty except for a huge bed and side table and a lamp hanging on a chain from the low ceiling. the walls were covered with dark blankets. there was a bundle of blankets and a bedspread on the floor. there was the shape of a man in it. when I stepped away from the bed, there was an old man lying on his back, mouth agape. not sure if he was alive or dead.

going back into the hallway, there was a set of curtains along the wall. I pulled it back and there was a monstrous pile of freaky ass bugs. huge beetles and the like. not sure what that was about, but I did not like it.

back into the LR area. there is a man, a dwarf, in a chair, with his belongings gathered around him. we conversed about the neighborhood, the honky tonk next door and how loud it gets. there were lots of regrets and desperation about how I could possibly rectify the situation. home warranty? was there no inspection? I could burn it down, claim the insurance.

there was more, but it’s getting fuzzy. gotta love anxiety dreams.

patterns

funny how things seem to come around again, in great arching storylines.

I loved picture framing, loved it. back in 2000 I closed my picture framing shop after the dot com crash and a relocation. I was in the heart of Silicon Valley and nobody was spending money so I wasn’t earning it. I took a job at Home Depot to pay my personal bills, to stave off letting another employee go, but eventually I was forced to lay everyone off and close the doors. I relocated to LA and took a job in a framing studio, but ended up leaving that position after a year. It’s difficult not being queen, once you. have been.

I semi-reluctantly went in a completely different direction, attended school to become an esthetician. now that I think of it…I had my interview for school ON 9/11, the original. and here I am 20 years later, almost to the day, contemplating a complete career change. again.

I love skincare. the way things ground to an end in red bluff, the attitudes (including my own), the rise of trump, the pandemic and anti-masking…all of it really stuck a burr under my saddle. Now that I am here in Michigan, dealing with the dregs of the pandemic and trying to motivate new clients, it’s brutal. granted, my enthusiasm for the new way of advertising, via social media, is not something I enjoy (so haven’t utilized it as well as I should be) so there’s an opportunity there that is being missed.

ugh, I am struuuuuuuuggling with any motivation for it. I am struggling with motivation in general. which isn’t a situation confined to just me, I think millions of people are having a hard time motivating.

but anyway, I find myself contemplating a complete career change. before moving, I had considered getting a paycheck job at a grocery store or ACE hardware or a flower shop. or a frame shop =) and just doing something that was just a job and not a career. or a job the could lead to a career, like working at Menards. I have these skills, tattooing, skincare and glass. customer service skills up the wazoo. there is a massive labor shortage and it seems like the ideal time to go work for the man. especially if I can get bennies and 401k in the mix.

a week or so ago, I realized that I was perpetuating some patterns that I didn’t want to continue, that I was losing that bright light of re-invention that I had so clearly glimpsed months ago. so I had the thought, who do I want to be? what habits do I want to develop? I want to do glass. I want to work, but I don’t want to wear all the fucking hats. I don’t want to be the media person, and the laundress, and the public face, and the marketing strategist, and the esti. I just don’t. I don’t want to have to do Brazilian waxes today my electric bill. I don’t want to have to convince people that skincare is in their best interests and that I am awesome at it. ugh. I don’t want to.

so. I submitted an application yesterday to work at Whole Foods. part-time. I selected 3 positions. 6am shopper, beer/wine/cheese/chocolate servicer/stocker (omg, who knew this was a thing?) and baker. the baker position is full time, which I don’t really want, at least initially. so, we’ll see how that goes.

I’m going to use this as a sort of journal, to get my thoughts out in print, and to practice writing again. now, it’s off to walk the fen. or not.

and here we are in Michigan

I began this blog 13.5 years ago, when I relocated to Redding CA from Los Angeles. Now here I am, thirteen years 5 months later, relocated to southeastern Michigan. It’s a big change for this California girl. the move ended up occurring in February, the month the Cherokee call ‘The Month the Babies Cry for Food’. It’s certainly a bare-bones, no shit month. I happened to arrive in between two storm fronts, sweeping down via a polar vortex. My last night not he road was in Louisville, KY, where it was cold cold cold and snowed a couple inches overnight. two hours north, in Cincinnati, they had a teaser ice storm. I say teaser because the day after I drove through, the real ice storm blew in to town, laying several inches of the stuff over the state. somehow the gods decided to give me a pass in the form of perfect weather the entire way from California to Michigan. I didn’t get rained on or snowed on. there was some gusty wind all thru Texas and Oklahoma, but that is something I am familiar enough with that it didn’t scare the shit out of me as the thought of driving on ice does.

I’ve been here eleven days now. It has snowed half of them, and the temperature hasn’t risen above 27. a few mornings ago my neighbor texted me to tell me that their weather station on their back deck had registered -18…no wind, either. calm, early morning, sunrise. like I said, very different. I’m told that this amount of snow and cold us unusual for this part of the state. usually it snows and a couple days later it has melted. I can’t help but wonder if this isn’t how its going to be for the future, all things considered. the sun came out yesterday. my neighbor and I sat out in it, parked lawn chairs under a tree, wrapped to the chin, and chatted and enjoyed the welcome warmth.

time to get back to work.

of course it didn’t go as planned

I say that with affection. you have to embrace the suck or the suck gets the upperhand.

delay in escrow. my official move out date is now 1/31, four weeks from today. the delay is ok, it allows for time for everything, and will be much better on the Michigan end. I won’t need a temp home, and there should be enough time to have the house painted and the carpet replaced before I arrive. which will be divine.

I’m going to miss my birds. the hummers, the crows, the woodpeckers, and all the little titmice and wrens and whatnot that frequent the feeders. recently a family of squirrels has moved into the neighborhood, and they are a hoot to watch. for the first time since I’ve lived here, the neighbor has been watering their yard. as a result, the two trees along the fence line have produced nuts. the squirrels are absolutely bananas over them. it is very amusing to watch them scamper all over trying to collect every last one of them. Mookie is driven crazy by them, and they stand and yell at her. it’s all quite entertaining.

Today is hope chest day. going to pull out the hope chest and go thru it. I don’t plan on moving it. I know there are a bunch of stuffed animals in it. it’ll suck to toss those, but no one wants them these days. unsanitary. I’ve got a bag of folded notes from highschool. probably won’t be keeping those. my dads gun stuff is in there. board games. some albums. going to be a trip down memory lane.

well, typing this all out has made me eager to go tackle the job. have a beautiful day!!

the waiting is depressing me

I feel as though I have been waiting for this epic life change fooooreeeever… it is dragging me down. I feel like everywhere I turn, there is some sort of road block that prevents me from completing something. I spent most of yesterday in bed, or playing with my cat. that was boon for her, because she has been so sweet today, but I cannot do that every day.

so tonight I said fuck it and I’ve just started throwing shit in boxes, keeping a list, and I’ll sort it out on the other side. I’ve also decided to sell a couple things that was going to keep, and keep a couple things iw as going to sell. see why all this waiting is crazy making? omg. I’m just going to pack everything now and eat off paper plates.

I still have to tackle the studio. I have begun bringing items inside, cleaning them, and putting them in the tool chest I purchased for them. I’m beyond even wanting to list the stuff I don’t want, to sell it. ugh. I went to the PO today, 30 minutes in line. so that won’t happen again until after the holiday. these posts are going to be weird and whiny for the next couple weeks, until the homestretch. then, hopefully, things will smooth out. or at least the options and possibilities will be reduced and decisions will be simpler.

Samhain

I feel as though we are all in a holding pattern, waiting to see which way our country is going to go…back into some semblance of decency, or forward into 4 more years of ugliness.

I began watching The Handmaid’s Tale, just this week. I can’t help but wonder if it would be quite so gripping if it had come out during a different administration. as it is, it’s really disorienting. I find myself frequently untethered in reality, sliding back and forth between the realities of the possibility of becoming property again, and the fiction of it.

summer

it’s officially summer here in Redding. Last week was 106-111, higher in some areas. I had attempted to take my little camper to the coast, with Mookie, but ran into a problem with Mookies health and had to turn around after one night and come back.

the camper is adorable. a 1967 Aristocrat Lo-liner. It’s called a Lo-Liner because it is meant to fit into a standard 1967 era garage, so is less than 7 ft tall. they make cast iron wheels that you can switch out, called garage wheels, to make it easier to roll inside over the winter. I’ve ordered pair. The idea was to use it this summer, to camp, and then, when the wet begins, to garage it and start the restoration.

owning and restoring these vintage campers is a massive industry. Lots of DIYers, and a handful of pros. I bounce back and forth between knowing I can do it, and terror at the prospect, lol. I mean, I did the deck, I built the studio, of course I can do it, but…do I want to? I’ve definitely had thoughts of selling this one and buying one that has been restored already. there is a huge price difference though.

this corner leaked (they all leak, I don’t care what anyone tells you. if it hasn’t been rebuilt, it leaks.) and I peeled off the moldy, jacked up paneling to let underneath dry out. I had planned to do a temp patch with this stickleback vinyl, but it didn’t stick well. so I had to staple it. not ideal.

this photo is from when it was being sold. It’s been cleaned up since.

okay, time to go play with some glass.

the never-ending organization

I’ve taken a break from glass for a couple days. Had some other things I wanted/needed to accomplish.

I love the studio, but there are some drawbacks. Moisture is an issue. I’d always had my tools on a spinner rack, exposed to the air. since they’ve been in the studio, they’ve rusted quite a bit. Patterns and my drawing paper absorb moisture and curl or get pebbly. its not tan issue when it’s dry, of course, but it absolutely is when it is rainy. and it has been quite rainy over the past two weeks. then there’s the issue of the leaky-ass windows themselves. I really need to seal them all with a bead of silicone on the outside. that’s going to be a looooooong, ongoing chore.

Then there’s the dust. The studio isn’t air tight, by any means. it’s also fairly windy where I live, and now is the especially windy season. whenever it’s time for the cottonwoods to release their fluff, it’s the windy season. mind you, we have like 6 windy seasons. so dust and bits of leaf and bugs and stuff find there way into the studio. every two or three weeks, it needs a good dusting and vacuuming. honestly it’s a pain in the keister.

lastly, it’s the never ending organization. trying to find a good living spot for all the stuff. all the miscellaneous stuff that I’ve collected in connection with this hobby, over the past 15 years. lots of random glass, and beads, and tools, and bits of brass adornments. lead trumpets, and bevels, and jewels. chain, cleaning cloths, assorted chemicals. it’s a fair amount of stuff. slowly, I’m getting it sorted and put away.

this weekend will be split between glass and yard. it’s my birthday weekend, and since shelter in place is still in effect, I’m going to hunker down and indulge. have safe weekend, people, and happy glassing.

glass glass glass. all day, everyday

Five weeks have passed since my last post. I was going to try and post daily, but… So it’s 5 weeks on, cruising up to 60 days of shutdown, and I have finally found my groove.

I’ve sold all the completed pieces that I had to sell. I’ve completed 3 small commissions. no, wait…4. I did two small pet memorial pieces and mailed them off. I’m currently working on one commission, and am waiting for a deposit on another. I’ve also got two ‘thank you’ pieces that I’m working on, for people who have been really awesome humans.

It’s been great. I’m not going to lie. once the financial aspect was resolved, it’s been super. I’ve been drawing patterns…(oh wait, 5 commissions. the tree.) which normally I’m scared to do. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone. in regards to design, with the next commission piece. it contains a dandelion gone to seed, which you really cannot do in glass, so I’m going to do a wire overlay. the piece I’m working on now contains pine needles, so I’ve got to figure out how to represent that. it’s great stuff.

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I’ve been working in organizing the studio, as well. the scrap glass issue needed to be handled. the storage for them was not a smart use of space. I cut off a rolling wire rack to fit under one of the glass storage shelves, and was able to get them all on that. so it rolls under and tucks away. I rehung the doors on the studio so they are hung barn door style now. the weight of the glass, combined with the age of the wood, was too much for a side hang, and they were coming apart at the seams. hanging them along their long board seems to have fixed the issue. I’ve hung up the bug screen now too, and that is helping. next week, I’ll move the other set of doors to the inside track, and hang those screens as well. the bugs at night are ridiculous. I had some sort of freakish termite looking thing whacking me in the face over and over the other night. I don’t like to kill them cuz they are only doing their thing. I finally went inside.

huh. I just realized that I am posting this in the wrong place. lol. bonus!

worried.

I am not a worrier. I firmly believe in the saying that worry does nothing for the future and robs today of joy (I really should look up the actual wording). During the 2008/09 Recession I was a fucking mess, depressed, couldn’t sleep, my hair was falling out…over the course of that year and a half, in order to literally save my sanity, I taught myself to let go of worry. it is a skill I have been grateful for many many times since.

I’ve reached a point, unfortunately, with this clusterfuck of almost ungraspable magnitude, where the worry is seeping in. worry for how the hell I’m going to get through the next few months of financial devastation. I’m self employed. I have a day spa. I am shut down for the duration. and my personal belief is that the duration will extend past 3 months. I mean…realistically…how/when can it end? well, when there is a vaccine. Vaccines take years to develop. first you have to isolate the antigen, and develop a vaccine that seems like it works. then there are the chimp trials. once those are demonstrably successful then you have to get approval to begin human trials. once it actually works, it then has to be manufactured in quantities large enough to provide a dose for billions of people around the world. And it’ll cost a fortune. just wait. In an era when the governor of New York confiscates a shipment of face masks when it arrives in his port, because he doesn’t have enough to protect his workers, and people are dying at a current rate of 600 per day in NY…that vaccine will be liquid gold.

dang. anyway. so, I’m worried. because this is the track that my brain is on now. I’m not worried so much about the virus itself, as I’m worried about how the Danger Yam and his cabal are destroying the very ideals of this country, and turning it into an auction of her assets. There is no accountability, no truth. and I fear there will be no recourse other than revolution. I dreamed of assassination last night, so I know its gotten into my psyche.

dang it again. that isn’t rabbit hole I was traveling down. I am worried about where I’m going to get the greenbacks to pay my mortgage for the next 3 months. goodness, that’s enough of that.

here’s an adorable picture of my two kitties on my lap together. this is a big deal because Mookie, the tortie, loathes Ghost, the black one. She loathes him. She loathes all things not human, strangely. In fact, a few minutes after this, his tail thwapt her in the face and she lashed out at him and they both ended up on the floor, with all their fur sticking straight out, and me bleeding from the leg. good times.

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